Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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