I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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