I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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