Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
