Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
