I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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