there's paper in my vomit.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
