Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
