im having a threesome with these popsicles
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
