I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
