Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
