and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
