Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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