so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
