You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
