the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
