so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
