She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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