A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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