just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
