so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
