I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
