she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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