Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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