i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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