Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
