I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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