I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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