Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
