i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
