I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize