i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
