Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
