omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
