I cannot find my penis.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
