I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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