I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
