Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
