I looked at my own cervix.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
