So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
