my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The Olympian is in my bed
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
