Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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