bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
