I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
