I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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