Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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