I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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