Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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