if only i could text you this smell
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
