i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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