Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
