I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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