life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
so much tequila, so little girl.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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