ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
