Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
