Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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