ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
