We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
