Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
