mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
