I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
