why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
